What is this page?

This page comprises questions people have asked me, and my replies. Don't take any of this too seriously, please. Be brave!

No, really, what is this page?
My attempt to codify in handy q & a format some ideas that are important to me.

Where did these questions come from?
They were put to me directly, or else I overheard them being put to someone else. Then I wrote them down here.

The content of this page has evolved, erratically, since its first draft in early 1999.

Abstractions

What is intelligence?
An assessment of one's success at completing tasks. What tasks? Well, some examples of tasks that might measure intelligence could be: to find one's way through a wilderness, tie useful knots, choose winning moves in a board game, solve a math problem, remember rules of grammar, abduct meaning from text, articulate the human condition using abstract and applied terms, construct a symmetrical sturdy bookshelf from boards using simple tools, distinguish a valid argument from a specious one, master an unfamiliar task using disparate methods learned previously, recognize patterns, learn from mistakes, or determine that information is missing. If one uses on a regular basis analysis to solve difficult problems then one might get a reputation for being intelligent. Then one stupid move can blow everything.

Why does the definition of "intelligence" matter?
What if someone calls you stupid?

What is analysis?
A process of observing facts, assigning value to them, then articulating them so that you are able to reach a conclusion. (And, consider whether information is missing.) Analyze carefully the information you are drip-fed through the media and any information you get from a person representing a political or religious cause or any agenda of social change. Information from these parties will be skewed to their advantage, not to yours. Careless analysis can result in a bad decision. Careful analysis can result in a decision that keeps you out of harm's way or brings success.

Does this mean I should discount the political or inspirational email messages I am sometimes bulk-emailed by well-meaning friends and family?
Not necessarily. It means only that you should analyze carefully these messages before you act. No offense to anyone's friends or family. Unfortunately people get angry with you if you subject their life beliefs to the scientific method.

What is the scientific method?
Any investigative technique that brings in the largest amount of reliable, valid data in the shortest amount of time. This is a really good thing.

What are valid data?
Data gathered while no subjective buffers are in place. Have you ever set up a scientific experiment? Much of the work is getting out of the way as many subjective buffers as you can identify. A scientist assured me that it is impossible to identify all subjective buffers. (I believe her.)

What are data?
Sensory inputs that must be assessed for reliability and validity then assigned a value.

What is Data?
An android with a positronic brain in "Star Trek: The Next Generation", a television program and a watery neutered sequel to the interesting "Star Trek: The Original Series" from the 1960s.

What is a gentleman?
A human male who, using words and actions, puts people at ease.

What is a lady?
A human female who, using words and actions, puts people at ease. Lady a term to which some people object because though it connotes elevated social status, or class as in "She's got class," it implies a willingness to obey a restrictive gender role.

What is irony?
The difference between what one expects and what one gets. This difference is the basis of humor and of sarcasm. A joke loses potency after analysis or repetition because this difference erodes and the unexpected becomes expected. Many children, esp. those under the age of seven or so, have trouble comprehending irony and sarcasm. They are literal thinkers (and clear thinkers). I remember being baffled by sarcasm or feeling hurt by it. ("Why is this person saying the opposite of what he means and looking at me with hostility as he does so?") Sarcasm and irony are useful social skills but should be parceled out with care.

Is there a god?
I don't think any reliable evidence exists that indicates there is.

If you're an atheist, aren't you cold and soulless and unamerican?
I'm warm and soulful. I'm American enough to remember the Founders thought it vital to separate church from state.

Don't you know Jesus died for your sins?
Get off the cross, we need the wood for the fire.

What do you think about organized religion?
Religions are useful because they build community and, within themselves at least, promote peace. Many religions create impressive buildings, comforting rituals, and beautiful art. No one should object to these things. Other aspects of many religions are oppressive and violent. In particular, some religions remove rights from women.

What is a religion anyway?
An organized group of people who believe in higher powers and whose chief aims are to worship those powers and to propagate their religion so that others too will worship those powers.

Is religion bad?
No. And I think of a church as a comforting place. My friend techne says one should raise children with religion, in order to give them something to reject (if they want). That's smart. Rejecting something big can be an important step to becoming an adult.

What is a poet?
A person who thinks intensely and often about the craft of poetry and reads a great deal of poetry, as education toward writing it, and who writes poems as a result, at least a few of them, now and then.

What came before and what comes after the universe?
I don't know. Information from beyond the universe is not available readily in this universe. But, maybe another universe.

What is the best thing in the entire world?
Sweet lovin from your baby-doll.

I ain't got no baby-doll. Or, I got a baby-doll but she don't gimme no sweet lovin. So what's the best thing in the entire world?
Pie.

What is discrimination?
The action of discerning one element from another. A component of analysis. Discrimination, the term, has acquired a negative connotation in matters of race and gender. It is immoral and unwise to discriminate on the basis of race or gender in, for example, matters of government, education, business, and access to goods and services.

Can a government legislate morality?
Practicably, only on a gross level, to prevent crime. Some would ask the government to regulate our thoughts, our subtle actions, and our language.

I get lost often. How do I fix this?
You should fix this because if you get lost often then people will condescend to you and that is never pleasant. My suggestions: Try to not get in a hurry or allow anyone to hurry you especially in an undignified way. Yet use all means at your disposal to locate your destination ahead of time. If you are lost and if you have a map of the unfamiliar terrain then try to triangulate. If you are in a place that's too distracting or hostile for you to triangulate with your map, then relocate, and then triangulate. These ideas apply to significant others yelling directions at you while you drive, and to life in general. Pull over, pull out the map, triangulate. If you have no map, go buy one. The only solution against perdition is preparation.

What is a positronic brain?
I don't know. References to the positronic brain abound in speculative fiction.

What does "politically correct" mean?
Edited of content that places people in negative context due to race, gender, or other politicized identifiers.

What is the soul?
Beats me. When people say "soul" they mostly mean the desirous unreasoning part of the mind.

Is the human mind unwieldy, disordered, sensitive, constrained, loud, part wet, and wrinkly, like a fat man stuck in a bathtub?
Yes.

What is the meaning of life?
Life does not have meaning. It's meaningless to say, "Life has a meaning." Life has purpose (if you want). When I was a little boy my life's purpose was to eat as much Jell-O® brand butterscotch pudding as humanly possible. That goal was focused and achievable and, given everything so far, might still be the best idea I've ever had. Another view is, the purpose of life is to create more life, and some people procreate to give their lives a purpose, that of raising the children they have made. Of course each child is a lifelong (your life) commitment and a full-time job.

Do you believe in reincarnation?
Not really. When I was younger I might have said aloud that I believed in reincarnation in order to seduce a girl. If you're a girl and if belief in reincarnation is an important part of your identity, you should watch out for that sort of thing.

What happens to one's consciousness after one dies?
I don't know. I've never questioned a dead person. They're a little stiff.

Health

I am losing my hair. What should I do?
Consult a physician. Cut your hair to make it less weighty. Wash and brush your hair with gentleness. Choose a healthy lifestyle. Some medications conduce hair loss.

My teeth are yellow. What should I do?
Drink less coffee. Drink less red wine. Drink less tea. Smoke fewer cigarettes. Consult a dentist. Some medications yellow the teeth.

I am depressed recurrently. What should I do?
You need to get help. Depression is a serious illness and has many antecedents: family and friends and strangers who hurt you, betrayal from your own body, bad learning from early in life. Tough to tackle all of these on your own. Go to a doctor and speak honestly about the depression, explaining its scope and severity.

I am overweight. What should I do?
Choose a healthy diet and a routine program of exercise. Avoid fad diets. Consult a doctor and a nutritionist. Slowly change your life. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else.

Relationships

What do women want?
Same as men, and in no particular order: love, respect, health, family, friends, community, the comfort of a strong but likable partner, material things within reason.

Why do men and women behave differently if they want the same things?
Because of gender roles, which often prescribe different methods for obtaining these things, particularly love, friends, and community.

I have a friend who puts me down, encourages me rarely, and deprecates my achievements until in order to preserve the friendship I am reduced to disclaiming my achievements, knowledge, and judgment. What should I do?
The friend is afraid you will outstrip him. Do not become angry at this person but end the friendship gently but firmly.

I have a broken heart. What should I do?
I sympathize. A broken heart is a reservoir of energy and a teaching tool. Consent to being shocked by grief and anger. Give yourself over to these emotions. Go to a safe private place and give up for a while. Then get out and do something. Engage in activities, preferably physical ones in the company of others, like a sport, even if you don't like sports. Try to not sit still, think too much, or spend much time alone. When you are suffering intensely you have a lot of energy. Use that energy to help others, create art, travel, exercise, learn, evaluate, explore. For god's sake don't call or email the object of your love. She is gone. Accept this. You might be temporarily out of your mind but it does get better.

I am lonely. What should I do?
Review your dress code and personal hygiene. If they are in order then tackle your fear. If you are male and want a girlfriend, remember that a woman can smell fear a mile away and if you are afraid, then she will not date you and worse she will pity you. Women like confidence. Confidence is very attractive. (Arrogance, being a kind of fear, is not.) Consider what you can do to control your fear. Not to make yourself fearless, since fear is essential to growth, but to control it. Go places. Attend events that interest you. Get knocked around by life and become an interesting person. Forget entirely the idea of getting a girlfriend. If you really badly want a girlfriend then you won't get one. When you are comfortable with or without a girlfriend then you will get one, maybe even a keeper.

How can I tell if a person will be a good mate for me?
One way is to drive in a car with the person in heavy city traffic. Let the prospective mate do the driving. If she honks her horn impatiently at other drivers, does not yield to pedestrians, tailgates, or behaves otherwise with small civility, she will not make a good mate. One day she will be uncivil toward you. The true self emerges behind the wheel of a car.

My prospective mate does not drive a car, so how do I tell?
You know. Take the above idea and apply it to some other activity. It must be a stressful and social activity. Observe the way your prospective mate treats other people. One day she will treat you that way.

Another way to tell: note the manner in which she treats wait staff. If she rebukes or demeans them then the same is in store for you.

My partner manipulates me by choosing carefully the emotions she expresses in my presence: anger, delight, sadness. She chooses her responses strategically until I say and do what she wants and then sometimes she even goes on manipulating me as entertainment for herself. She goads me in this manner for hours and I feel myself slipping down into anger. What should I do?
Exit the relationship in a controlled and decent way. If she goads you and you feel yourself building toward rage then you must leave her vicinity immediately until you calm down. You must never be violent toward her. A gentleman does not even raise his voice to a woman. You must be able to identify a relationship that is harmful to you and then to remove yourself from the relationship in a careful way. When you behave in a thoughtful, respectful, calm manner toward someone who has treated you badly then you elevate yourself and decrease the chance that you will fall into such a relationship again.

I am a short guy and have trouble finding women who want to date me. What should I do?
Tough one. Many times a woman prefers to date a man who is taller than she. She likes the sensation of being held by a tall strong presence. Or likes the confidence imparted by a visibly powerful ally walking alongside her. Her preferences come from biology, family, friends, the media. Nothing you can do about any of that, mister. If a woman rejects you because of your height (as happens, sometimes, to short guys), do not complain and do not whine. Instead be decent toward her and always keep your cool. If you concentrate on being classy, smart, courageous, open, and unflappable, then some women will like you no matter what your height. Go out with these women, and regard the others with tolerance and gentle humor. If you are a short guy then you have extra motivation to be an exceptional person.

My partner complains that I am too short. What should I do?
If you are fully grown then you should inform your partner that you will not grow anymore. If she continues to complain then you should find another partner.

I am a guy and I wish to date only slender women, but I have trouble finding slender women to date and I am lonely. What should I do?
Date real women, rather than your ideal. A real woman is more fun. Even if you found your ideal and she consented to date you, you would become bored with her soon. The unexpected and imperfect are a lot more interesting, and will stay interesting over time.

My partner complains about the size of my penis. What should I do?
Find another partner. If your penis is abnormally small or large, consult a doctor.

If your penis is abnormally large I know some people who would like to meet you.

What is average penis size?
Twenty-seven inches. Oh, you meant in the adult human male. I have no idea. Go look it up.

Wait a minute, you sexist jerk-off, your advice about relationships focuses on heterosexual males. What about other people?
All advice transposable.

I have posted a personals advert on an online dating web site, but my friends belittle me and tell me it is weird or desperate behavior to post a personals advert online. How do I respond to my unsupportive friends?
Posting a personals advert will improve your chance to find a partner who is good for you. Disregard your detractors. They are afraid of themselves and of you. If your friends mock you in a gentle humorous way then go along with it or tease them back in similar fashion. If a friend teases you in an unpleasant or a persistent way then you might wish to distance yourself from this person.

A personals advert is a useful tool. It is useful to articulate in writing your own qualities and the qualities that you want in a partner. Writing in this way demonstrates that you know yourself and know what you want and are able to articulate as much in writing. Online personals are useful for busy people, or selective people, or unlucky people who have not met a suitable partner elsewhere. When you describe yourself in your personals advert you must be unremittingly honest. To do otherwise is disrespectful. If you are married then do not post a personals advert until you are divorced or separated.

If you go to meet a new person then be sure to meet in a public place. Use common sense and trust your instincts. If you begin to feel uncomfortable with the person you have met then do not go off with the person. Dating a person from a personals web site is no more dangerous than dating a person you met at a party or a drinking establishment providing you use common sense. Before you meet a person you should carry on a correspondence with the person by email, IM, or telephone so that you have a good sense of the person's character.

I'm a kind, quiet, polite person. But sometimes people take advantage of my quiet demeanor and goad me with teasing or subtle insults or bullying. Even people who are supposedly my friends condescend to me. What do I do?
Kind, quiet, polite people have it tough. They stubbornly stay polite in an impolite world. The solution is to keep yourself out of situations in which people take advantage of your decency and manners.

Worry less about being polite. That is, be polite, but do so selectively. Practice being neutral and inaccessible. Practice pretending to not understand. These are useful skills. When you meet someone who begins to mistreat you then put on your neutral mask. It's not a rude mask but a neutral one. You're not offensive, you're just difficult to read, emotionally reclusive. You don't give of yourself to the hurtful person. Keep mum. Offer no targets.

If you have a friend who disrespects you often, then distance yourself from that friend. If you discover that someone hurts you, close yourself off from that person. Employ the bored look, the neutral face. Be subtle. Never be offensive. Use class and manners. Be brief and noncommittal. Do not worry if the person gets angry at you. That's OK. It might even be a little amusing.

It is friends who can harm us most, since we trust them and are generous toward them. You must choose your friends carefully. Your trust should be difficult to earn.

It takes practice to be emotionally reclusive. The trick is to be consistently inaccessible around people who hurt your feelings. That is the only way to stymie such people. But it is important to know when to switch off this mask, and become emotionally giving to people you trust — your real friends who are and should be few in number.

I am a woman and I like to date dangerous men. Where do I find some?
I'm dangerous. You should see me drive.

Workplace

I am a male food service worker being pressured by management (also male) to cut my hair even though there are other workers (female) here who have long hair. I don't want to start a discrimination suit that I would lose anyway. I'm not shedding hair into customers' dinners. I just want to do my job. How do I get management off my back?
Bind up your hair with the various hair-binding devices that women utilize so that it rests well away from your neck and is contained thoroughly. Ask your sister, female friends, or female coworkers for tactical support in this matter. Then wrap your already-bound hair in a hair net. Tuck this assembly under your food service worker's cap if you have one. When your hair is out of sight completely then management might lose interest in it.

I work in a professional office. How should I dress?
Conventional wisdom says, dress like the person you want to be. If you want to be an executive, dress like an executive. If you want to be an office assistant, dress like one.

Writing is an act of aggression. It is a culpable ploy to overtake other people's time. So it is very important to write strictly for the reader and to never gratify yourself.

Writing

Who is more important, the reader or the writer?
The reader is all-important. The writer is a servant of the reader.

Writing is an act of aggression. It is a culpable ploy to overtake other people's time. So it is very important to write strictly for the reader and to never gratify yourself. I find when I stick to this idea, the writing is more entertaining to other people, which is the point (right?) and that's very gratifying to me.

I don't agree with this. I am a writer and I am important.
Probably I won't read your book.

I don't agree with this. I am a writer and the topic about which I write is exremely important and therefore everybody should read my book and accord me respect.
Probably I won't read your book.

What's the difference between its and it's?
Apparently there is none, anymore.

What does ultimate mean?
Final. Last. If you use ultimate as an intensifier then it is hyperbole.

Where can I get good advice about grammar and usage?
Fowler and Chicago are places to start.

Under what circumstances should I use the word "literally"?
Use it rarely and only in opposition to a common figurative meaning. It is not an intensifier.

What is plagiarism? How is plagiarism different from imitation?
Plagiarism is imitation with intent to deceive. The writer knows in his heart when he's committed plagiarism.

Traffic

I live in a city where there's a law that says pedestrians have right of way. Yet cars yield but rarely to me when I am crossing a street even in a pedestrian crosswalk. This angers me. What should I do?
First be careful since your health is at stake. Secondly remember that you have right of way only in a pedestrian crosswalk and only after you have started to cross the street. You don't have the right to step out in front of oncoming traffic and expect it to stop for you. That is to say, you should start crossing only when the coast is clear, but once you begin in this safe manner then cars should stop for you. That's the way the law works in most of America. On the other hand many drivers disregard this law. The arrogance of automobile drivers can be breathtaking in scope. Don't become enraged. Cultivate a world-weary compassion for the angry, stressed people in their cars. Always remember that crossing a city street is a risky task to be taken seriously. Good luck and be careful.

What about jaywalking?
You don't have right of way when you jaywalk, that is, when you cross a city street outside a demarcated pedestrian crosswalk or against a red light. When you jaywalk — and who doesn't jaywalk now and then? — you take on all of the legal and moral burden. Or you should, anyway. Look both ways before you go. Look for cars and also for bicycles. And for gendarmerie. If someone runs you down when you're jaywalking, that's your fault.

What does the jay mean in jaywalking?
Jay means beginner or novice. A jaywalker is a novice walker.

What is road rage and how do I combat it within myself?
Road rage: Rage caused by other occupants of a road you occupy. The term is hyperbole invented by the media since road rage is, simply, rage. Rage is frightening on the road or anywhere and damnably difficult to combat. When you set out on a road journey you should expect many of your fellow drivers to be aggressive, inconsiderate, and beset themselves, perhaps, by rage, and you should revel quietly in the calmness with which you handle these small dangerous people. This outlook will mitigate your rage while you drive a car, and with practice it becomes easier. Everything becomes easier with practice.

When should I honk my car's horn?
Only to alert other drivers to imminent danger. If you honk at another driver from vexation or impatience, the driver will only honk back at you, as juvenile as that sounds. Honking your horn will not propel you faster toward your goal or change the behavior of other drivers. When you honk your horn, nearby pedestrians suffer, and the quality of life in the surrounding neighborhood decreases. It's better to keep your cool than to lean on your horn.

Miscellaneous

What is this page anyway? Did you make up these questions yourself?
This page contains common questions and my replies to them and I distinguish my replies from "the answers" which I do not know. I did not make up these questions. These questions were put to me directly, or overheard being put to someone else (at the local diner or coffeehouse, on the subway, at work, at gatherings of friends). Some of the questions I codified to what I think are their essence. Which is a bit like Donald Rumsfeld or Robert McNamara responding to the question he wishes you had asked. But I believe I have faithfully and usefully articulated these questions.

Aren't you arrogant to think to give answers to questions about any topic under the sun?
Sure. Just remember that my replies (not "answers") are just my opinion. Trust your own judgment.

This Questions You Asked page is all about you, isn't it?
No. It is about me to a degree since I try to follow my own advice but it is intended for you the reader.

So you take your everyday thoughts and express them in question-reply format, rather than as diary entries as many people do with their blogs. That's it, huh?
I have a blog too. I get material from other people. I'm not inventive enough to make up this stuff. Sit in your local diner or pub and listen to people. In church, on the bus. Listen to your friends and family and colleagues talking. You'll overhear a lot to write about if you want.

OK, I'm a lady who's contemplating going on a date with you and I'm reading this Questions You Asked page. What am I supposed to make of all of this anyway?
Anything you like, ma'am. But if you chuckled at least a couple of times maybe we will get along OK. In any case I respect you and thanks for reading.